Here’s to Vulnerability…

You have to be where you are to get where you need to go.

Amy Poehler, Yes Please

I’m 22 years old, a few weeks away from turning 23, and I just feel like I’m wasting away my life. The past couple of years I have literally accomplished nothing. I went to school, so I guess that’s something. But, I didn’t graduate. And may not ever get to graduate (I’ll save that story for another blog post). I have applied and applied to jobs but just can’t seem to land one, which has lead me to seek income from self-employment. So, I work for myself. Isn’t that the dream? It isn’t.

My problem is that I don’t know what I want. Okay, I do. I’m just scared to go after it. Isn’t that a common reason for why most people don’t go after things. Because we’re scared to fail, scared of rejection, scared of change even if that change may lead to a better life.

I’m scared to pursue a life of writing and art because there’s a voice inside my head that likes to taunt me when I’m in the middle of creating. Amy Poehler in her book “Yes Please” called the voice the “demon voice.” Which is the perfect title for it, since its purpose is to cause your self-esteem harm. The voice often tells me how bad of a writer I am, or how childish my artwork looks, or how I’m a liar every time I call myself a writer or an artist. It tells me to not bother entering XYZ contest because I’ll never win. And because the voice is like a siren blasting through my eardrums I listen to it, and let into my soul, feeding it more and more insecurities. I know that I’m not the only one. I’m sure everyone has to deal with it throughout most of their lives. But, I want to know how to stand up to it. Because if I just let the voice continue to shatter my motivation to get better in life then I’m always going to remain in the same place, like I’m treading water in the middle of the sea. Not going forward or backwards just staying in the same place, trying to keep my head above water.

Most of my decisions have come from fear. I worried about rejection (because I’m so traumatized by it) that I just don’t try. Here I am at 23 years old having the same dreams I had 10 years ago when I was a freshman in Jr. High. In my wildest fantasy I am a published author of a bestselling young adult series, and it was picked up by a TV Network (CW or ABC) to become a tv series. I am the show runner and exec producer of the show. Now that I’m older the dream is a little more goal-like instead of fantasy-like. But, the point is that the dream is still alive in my heart today, and I want nothing more than for it to be my reality.

I’ve got a tons of manuscripts that are just sitting in my home wanting to be read by someone else’s eyes, but because I’m insecure about my writing I just keep it hidden. This is why I started this blog a few years ago. I just wanted to put myself out there for once without feeling the need to run away and then actually running away.

Even though I’ve posted sporadically in this blog for the past three years, I’m just glad that I didn’t delete my account like I have in the past.

I’m scared of publishing this post right now because of how vulnerable I’m being in it. But, I can’t let fear or the demon voice have its way with me.

2016 Summer Manifesto!

I romanticize summertime, and I know I can’t be the only one who does. There’s something about summertime that excites me and ignites my languid side to get up and go outside. Even though outside is burning hot and will cause me to break a sweat simply from just standing. But, outside is where I want to be. Usually in the summer time I make a bucket list, and usually the list is incomplete by 85%. And because I am a woman of tradition I decided that this summer I will be making another bucket list. Hopefully that bucket list will be incomplete by 40% at the end of summer.

Here goes my list:

  • take a walk in the rain
  • get caught in a rainstorm 
  • go to the beach
  • walk on the shoreline
  • go to Coney Island
  • eat a corn dog from Nathan’s
  • ride at least one ride (at coney island)
  • at home dance party
  • Harry Potter movie marathon
  • watch a few blockbusters in the theaters
  • have fun in a playground
  • read at least 1 book
  • UCB theater show
  • visit a bar
  • go to Central Park
  • go kayaking/rowboating
  • take pictures everyday
  • go to Botanical Gardens
  • play with sparklers
  • visit a museum
  • volunteer
  • watch the sunset
  • watch the sunrise
  • listen to Shonda’s Year of Yes
  • start baking
  • have a watergun fight
  • tie dye something
  • bake a rainbow cake
  • bake a kit kat cake
  • make melted crayon art
  • get a manicure
  • get a henna tattoo
  • pull a prank
  • go bowling with the family
  • go to an aquarium
  • play with bubbles
  • make popsicles
  • take pictures in a photobooth
  • fly a kite
  • let go of a floating lantern
  • see fireworks on the Fourth of July
  • buy something at a flea market
  • play with a frisbee
  • walk the Brooklyn Bridge
  • take an early morning stroll
  • learn how to walk in high heels
  • do at least 1 DIY project
  • try Rollerblading again
  • learn how to Hula Hoop
  • make smoothies
  • make an alcoholic beverage
  • go paint balling
  • visit Times Square
  • play laser tag
  • weekly family game night
  • get on a bus and get off at random stop
  • run through sprinklers
  • walk barefoot in the sand
  • build a sandcastle
  • try a science experiment
  • go a whole day without technology
  • Disney movie marathon
  • have a spa day
  • at home spa day treatment
  • make s’mores 
  • watch a movie at IMAX
  • pull an all nighter
  • eat dippin’ dots
  • have a nerf war
  • play darts
  • have a silly string fight
  • build a house of cards
  • try an adult coloring book
  • go to the casino
  • watch a ROM COM every weekend
  • walk on the boardwalk

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Writing Manifesto

In 2007, I was a 13 year old 7th grader who knew what she wanted to be when she grew up, a writer. From the moment I uttered those words to my teachers whenever they asked me what my dream occupation was, I found my identity. I wanted to be a writer so bad that all I could do at home or during free-time or during lunchtime was write. I wrote stories and poems in composition books and spiral notebooks, I built a world in my head and put it on paper. And when it was on paper it felt more real, and I felt less insane.

I always say that writing and reading helped me a lot during my bullying days. I felt different in my world than I did in the real world. I felt more in control, more at peace. They couldn’t touch my happy place. Nobody could. There was a world that needed me, characters that needed me to listen to them. And my bullies couldn’t take that away from me.

I found a purpose and I was content with it. I found a dream that gave me a light inside my dark and lonely soul.

Everyone in my life constantly says that I make fleeting decisions or that I’m a wish washy person. But, I always stayed true to the writing dream. I never gave up on that dream, and I don’t think I ever will.

I dream of being a published author with a couple many New York Times Bestselling novels. I’m not ashamed to admit that. And I’m not ashamed to admit that I want a Pulitzer Prize, too. For a writer to not admit that would be like an actor not admitting that they want an Oscar or an Emmy Award. I want to be a published poet who’s declared as a modern-day Emily Dickinson. (Okay. So maybe that won’t happen. But, one can dream.) And I want to own a production company and produce and create and write many tv shows, that will win many Emmy Awards and Golden Globes.

I want to write stuff that everyone can relate to. I want to write stuff that are real and true. I want my readers and viewers to identify themselves with my characters. I want to send a message. I want to touch people’s hearts. Those are the best kinds of books, movies and tv shows. The ones that touch people’s hearts. And I know that one day I will make it happen. So, I am not giving up. No matter what.

Never Have I Ever

I read this memoir called: Never Have I Ever by: Katie Heaney. The author hilariously describes her failed attempts at finding romance. It was a good read. I honestly felt like I was having a drink with Heaney and we were sharing our most embarrassing guy related moments. That’s how inviting and warm and funny her writing was.

What I loved most about the book, wasn’t the hilarity of her stories or how beautifully written the book was. It was how much I could relate to the author. I’m 21 years old, a couple weeks away from turning 22, and I’ve never had a boyfriend, a first kiss or a date. But, I’ll tell you what I have had. And that was a long list of crushes from guys in my class, guys I only met for one night, and guys I didn’t have a chance with. I’ve had my heart broken by crushes who told me they didn’t like me because I wasn’t pretty or I wasn’t their type, or my personal favorite: they didn’t want to ruin our “friendship.” And because of the plethora of rejection I faced, I wrote poems in my room about how badly my heart aches or how badly I wanted them.

But, no matter how many times I got rejected I never gave up hope that one day I’ll find someone who appreciates me for me. I just never thought I’d be 21 years old and still single.

You could just imagine what a relief it was to find Katie Heaney’s book. I remember I saw it on All Women Stalk, and when I read the title and what the book was about, I just had to read it. And I’m glad I did. Reading this book made me feel less weird about my nonexistent dating life. I always use to feel uncomfortable whenever someone asked me if I was dating anyone. And when I was a teenager, it felt somewhat okay to say “No, I’m not currently dating anyone.” But, now that I’m a young adult in her early twenties, it feels weird to say that. Like, I just entered some foreign country and broke a social unwritten rule and now everybody’s staring at me like I just ran over a dog.

But, I realize now that all that pressure and anxiety I felt to find a love interest was brought on by myself. ‘Cause I see other twenty-somethings engaging in PDA and I feel like the odd girl out because I have no one to cuddle up with or hold hands with. It’s like there’s some unwritten rule that you should be dating in your twenties, and I’m breaking it (but not on purpose, I promise).

Reading Never Have I Ever made feel okay about breaking that “rule”. Who says that at 21 you’re suppose to have someone or have had someone? Not to quote a cliche that everyone lonely girl is tired of hearing but…I guess…maybe it’s suppose to happen when it’s suppose to happen. It’s just that waiting is probably one of the worst and hardest things a person has to do. ‘Cause there’s this longing, this wanting for something to happen or arrive but society is kindly telling you that it’s not time yet. And you’re just wondering why? But, society isn’t telling you why…you have to figure out the why for yourself…sometimes.

Quotes from my Journal – Part 3

Hi everyone! I’m back!

I’m continuing with the last journal I started a couple months ago but never got around to finishing it.

MyCollage_0

This is what the journal looks like. It’s my first journal. I started it when I was a freshman in High School in 2009, but I stopped writing in it after a couple months that year. I didn’t write in it until after I graduated High School in 2012. And ever since then I’ve found solace and comfort in journaling. I’m already on my 15th journal right now.

Alright then…I guess I’ll begin quoting myself 🙂

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“Sometimes I wish I can go through one of those machines, and I go in one person but come out a better version of that person. Like some kind of science experiment like Captain America.”

-February 15th, 2013

“I hate disappointing people, but yet I do it anyway. I know that I’m only ruining my life – but at the same (time) like I feel like I’m ruining everyone else’s.”

-February 16th, 2013

“Unfortunately time machines don’t exist and you have no other choice but to accept the choices and actions you made and let it go.”

-February 17th, 2013

“One thing I know is that I don’t want this life of nothingness and blankness [to] be my future. I want it to end here and now.”

-February 24th, 2013

“I just wish there was some manual, an instruction pamphlet on making changes with your life. Or maybe a 12 step program on getting things done or goal setting. But, that’s now life works – some things you just have figure out your own.”

– March 8th, 2013

“I’m just tired of feeling like my life is in gutter. It’s like I’m Cinderella and I’m just waiting the fairy godmother. I need direction…”

– March 12th, 2013

Alright. That’s it for now. I’ll finish it the next time.

It’s weird looking back at my old journals, re-reading my negative thoughts. In case you haven’t deduced yet from the tone of my past entries, I was going a through a bad time that year. Getting kicked out of school, trying to find a job, being home mostly by myself with no friends to talk to…the sun was not shining on those days. So, I vented in my journal. In my pink Mickey Mouse journal from Disney World. And it saved me from falling apart and from giving up. So, I’m grateful that I found a light inside the blank pages tucked inside a pretty cover.

Christmas Journal Prompts

During the Holidays I like to be festive with my journals. So, here are a few prompts to help you get your Christmas on with your journals.

Lists:

  • Christmas Specials to Watch
  • Favorite Christmas Movies/TV Show episodes
  • Never Have I Ever: Christmas Edition
  • Favorite Christmas Songs
  • Favorite Christmas Lyrics
  • Christmas Music to dance around the tree to
  • Christmas Traditions you want to have
  • Reasons to Believe in Santa
  • Christmas Cliches you’re never tired of
  • Christmas wishlist
  • Favorite things about Christmas
  • Christmas memories
  • Favorite Christmas Quotes
  • Christmas Movies you want to see
  • Your family’s Christmas traditions

Others:

  • Write a letter to Santa
  • Write about your earliest Christmas memory
  • Write about your favorite Christmas tradition
  • Write about the meaning of Christmas
  • Write about your favorite Christmas memory
  • Write the lyrics to some of your favorite songs/poems
  • A page filled with Christmas doodles 
  • Write about your favorite part about Christmas 
  • Write about your favorite Christmas Ornament
  • Write about your favorite Christmas movie/TV show specials 
  • Write about your thoughts on Christmas Commercialism
  • Write about the beauty and magic of snow

Well, that’s all I have for now on Christmas Journal prompts. I love journaling through the holidays. The christmas advertisements give a perfect embellishment to my journal pages. I even take Hallmark holiday stickers and adhere them to the edges of my page, to give it a more appealing look. My current journal is really chunky because of all the stuff I put inside them. I just love the holidays when snack companies like Entenmann’s start slapping a Holiday theme on the packages. It’s just so adorable. I cut out the box and glue it inside my journal, to give a Holiday appeal. 

Christmas Journal Pages

A look at my Christmas Journal Pages

I take advertisements from magazines and newspaper and glue them in my journal. I even do a few Christmas doodles. I am having a blast journaling through the holidays. And I hope you do, too. Let me know if any of you guys do something special with your journal during the holidays in the comment section.

Happy Holidays!

Quotes from my Journal: Part 2

In my last post were quotes from my current journal. This post is from my first journal.

MyCollage_0

my first journal

 

It was a cute pink, mickey mouse journal that my sister bought me in Disney World. With this journal, I actually started it in the summer of 2008, but stopped somewhere around February 2009. I didn’t start writing in it until after I graduated high school in 2012. 

It’ll be interesting to read some of the thoughts I had back then.

 

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“I just want to stop being lazy. Ha! I’m saying that like it’s some easy kind of thing. I need to take steps, small steps, but I don’t know what steps to take first. Ugh.”

“Sometimes I wish that life had a manual that made getting through it much easier.”

“Sometimes I feel like life is like this algebraic equation and I don’t know how to solve it. Maybe I’m not suppose to solve it. Maybe the equation is meant to be undefined.”

June 10, 2012

“It’s so much easier to close my eyes and envision the life I always wanted, than have my eyes [wide] open and see my life not getting any better.”

“Why is it so hard to be happy but so easy to be sad?”

“I’m so tired of this pity sign I’m holding. I just want to accept my life and maybe then big changes will happen.”

June 11, 2012

 “I feel like my life is over, but I’m only 19 years old. If anything my life is ready to take flight. These are the years where I can figure [out] who I am.”

“I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired…ugh, I’m just tired.”

September 27, 2012

“But, I should get over it because it’s another pattern. I like a guy, we become friends, I like him even more, but he just likes me as a friend. I get a little heart broken…”

September 28, 2012

 

To be continued…