Things I’m Scared to Tell You

I read this post by Jess Constable and it touched me. It pushed me to write my own list. I was in awe by her candor and braveness to write such a post – she basically unmasked herself and opened up about the “non-perfect” parts of her life. As a person (and a writer) I want to be able to step out of this perfect façade and be completely real. I’m tired of feeling ashamed of my insecurities and vulnerabilities, and I’m tired of hiding them because I’m scared of rejection.

Blogging should be a place where I can be myself and not be ashamed of what I share. Last year, if I had stumbled across this post I would’ve been too chicken to do my own. But, I made a promise to myself that I was going to look fear in the eye (every now and then) and challenge it. So, here it goes.

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 I, like Jess, have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I was 16 years old when my doctor told me about it. At first, the news scared me into getting fit and changing my dietary habits. The doctor had prescribed Metformin and it helped control the food urges and the sugar levels in my body. But, then I lost focus and stopped working out, taking my medication, and just completely gave in to the food cravings. At that time I didn’t know how serious PCOS was, but now I do. But, the problem is I feel unmotivated to do anything – not work out or try a new diet or even take the Metformin again. I just wish I did because things can get worse if I don’t.

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 I flunked out of college this fall with a 0.0 gpa. Anything’s better than a 0, right? A zero means you didn’t try hard enough or at all – and I didn’t try at all. I just checked out – unofficially withdrew, and college was the last place I wanted to be in at the moment. Now, when I want another chance to prove to myself that I can do it, no one’s willing to give me the opportunity to (and I honestly don’t blame them). No school wants a transfer student with an average below 2.0. So, at the moment I’m a layabout who surfs the web from time to time applying to jobs. But, that doesn’t mean I gave up on school, I just need to temporarily do something until I figure this debacle out. I need to go school, and someone’s bound to take me, right?

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I want to find love, and oh I’m sure everyone wants to, too (but, some wouldn’t admit it). I want to hold hands, go on romantic outdoor dates with lots of twinkly lights, kiss and slow dance in the rain, and the play fights. I even want the couple fights and the makeup kisses. I want it all. But I’m scared I’ll never find it; that I may indeed grow old and die alone. I know, I know the cliche: Good things come to those who wait. But, how much longer can I wait?

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I’ve completely abandoned facebook because of the resulted jealousy that came with it. I’m a college flunk with pretty much no life and I’m seeing fellow classmates with their statuses about school and their boyfriends. Who wouldn’t be jealous? I feel like the black sheep in the Class of 2012 family. All my old friends are where they need to be to figure their lives out. But, I’m in a lonely dark road not sure where to turn or go from here. Facebook is basically a constant reminder that I’m a failure.

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 My dream is and will always be to become an actress, ever since I was 9 years old. I’ve never admitted that to anyone because of the reaction that comes with the news, so I kept it to myself. I know I should let it go but I can’t. It’s like I’m playing tug o’ war or a wrestling game and I’m sinking my claws on them. I want it too much, but I’m scared that this dream may be holding me back.

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People (mostly my family) don’t understand that socializing isn’t easy for me. I feel awkward and I make eye contact with the ground mostly. I have no clue what to say sometimes, and there’s so many awkward silences and pauses. Sometimes I don’t know how to keep the conversation flow moving. There are these few moments when I’m incessantly talking about a topic. I can’t go to social gatherings by myself because meeting new people scares me, and then I’m going to be one of those loner girls who has her head buried in a book. I probably have these weird mannerisms. I laugh when I’m nervous or uncomfortable, just imagine what that looks like.

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 My fear of rejection stops me from even trying.

Here it is. I’m not sure what this post will do for me, but hopefully for you it’s inspiring.

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