Here’s to Vulnerability…

You have to be where you are to get where you need to go.

Amy Poehler, Yes Please

I’m 22 years old, a few weeks away from turning 23, and I just feel like I’m wasting away my life. The past couple of years I have literally accomplished nothing. I went to school, so I guess that’s something. But, I didn’t graduate. And may not ever get to graduate (I’ll save that story for another blog post). I have applied and applied to jobs but just can’t seem to land one, which has lead me to seek income from self-employment. So, I work for myself. Isn’t that the dream? It isn’t.

My problem is that I don’t know what I want. Okay, I do. I’m just scared to go after it. Isn’t that a common reason for why most people don’t go after things. Because we’re scared to fail, scared of rejection, scared of change even if that change may lead to a better life.

I’m scared to pursue a life of writing and art because there’s a voice inside my head that likes to taunt me when I’m in the middle of creating. Amy Poehler in her book “Yes Please” called the voice the “demon voice.” Which is the perfect title for it, since its purpose is to cause your self-esteem harm. The voice often tells me how bad of a writer I am, or how childish my artwork looks, or how I’m a liar every time I call myself a writer or an artist. It tells me to not bother entering XYZ contest because I’ll never win. And because the voice is like a siren blasting through my eardrums I listen to it, and let into my soul, feeding it more and more insecurities. I know that I’m not the only one. I’m sure everyone has to deal with it throughout most of their lives. But, I want to know how to stand up to it. Because if I just let the voice continue to shatter my motivation to get better in life then I’m always going to remain in the same place, like I’m treading water in the middle of the sea. Not going forward or backwards just staying in the same place, trying to keep my head above water.

Most of my decisions have come from fear. I worried about rejection (because I’m so traumatized by it) that I just don’t try. Here I am at 23 years old having the same dreams I had 10 years ago when I was a freshman in Jr. High. In my wildest fantasy I am a published author of a bestselling young adult series, and it was picked up by a TV Network (CW or ABC) to become a tv series. I am the show runner and exec producer of the show. Now that I’m older the dream is a little more goal-like instead of fantasy-like. But, the point is that the dream is still alive in my heart today, and I want nothing more than for it to be my reality.

I’ve got a tons of manuscripts that are just sitting in my home wanting to be read by someone else’s eyes, but because I’m insecure about my writing I just keep it hidden. This is why I started this blog a few years ago. I just wanted to put myself out there for once without feeling the need to run away and then actually running away.

Even though I’ve posted sporadically in this blog for the past three years, I’m just glad that I didn’t delete my account like I have in the past.

I’m scared of publishing this post right now because of how vulnerable I’m being in it. But, I can’t let fear or the demon voice have its way with me.

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My Writing Manifesto

In 2007, I was a 13 year old 7th grader who knew what she wanted to be when she grew up, a writer. From the moment I uttered those words to my teachers whenever they asked me what my dream occupation was, I found my identity. I wanted to be a writer so bad that all I could do at home or during free-time or during lunchtime was write. I wrote stories and poems in composition books and spiral notebooks, I built a world in my head and put it on paper. And when it was on paper it felt more real, and I felt less insane.

I always say that writing and reading helped me a lot during my bullying days. I felt different in my world than I did in the real world. I felt more in control, more at peace. They couldn’t touch my happy place. Nobody could. There was a world that needed me, characters that needed me to listen to them. And my bullies couldn’t take that away from me.

I found a purpose and I was content with it. I found a dream that gave me a light inside my dark and lonely soul.

Everyone in my life constantly says that I make fleeting decisions or that I’m a wish washy person. But, I always stayed true to the writing dream. I never gave up on that dream, and I don’t think I ever will.

I dream of being a published author with a couple many New York Times Bestselling novels. I’m not ashamed to admit that. And I’m not ashamed to admit that I want a Pulitzer Prize, too. For a writer to not admit that would be like an actor not admitting that they want an Oscar or an Emmy Award. I want to be a published poet who’s declared as a modern-day Emily Dickinson. (Okay. So maybe that won’t happen. But, one can dream.) And I want to own a production company and produce and create and write many tv shows, that will win many Emmy Awards and Golden Globes.

I want to write stuff that everyone can relate to. I want to write stuff that are real and true. I want my readers and viewers to identify themselves with my characters. I want to send a message. I want to touch people’s hearts. Those are the best kinds of books, movies and tv shows. The ones that touch people’s hearts. And I know that one day I will make it happen. So, I am not giving up. No matter what.

What College has Taught Me

“It’s a long road but, it’s worth it.” – Unknown

             School is stressful. It’s really, really stressful. But, at the end of it all, the only thing that matters is what you learned from it. What you can take from the course, 1 or 5 years from now. College isn’t just about passing classes and getting a diploma; it’s a place to discover your passion. Once you discover it, you go out into the real world and you fight for it. In LaGuardia, there are a few classes that are teaching me things that are useful in my future. Those courses were challenging, but it made me stronger, better. I can honestly say I’ve learned the most from those classes.

            In Art, I’m not Picasso, but I’m getting better at it. My drawings are surreal, very abstract, but it’s nice and interesting. I never thought I could be able to draw 3 dimensional things, but now that I’ve done it, I know I can now. It feels good to know that. In English, that professor had me stressed out most of the semester. Handing out English assignments after English assignments, which is weird that I’m complaining because I love writing. But, I feel like she’s helped me find my voice, figure out my writing process. Before, I felt like I never had a voice, or at least a strong one. My writing process or plan of attack was getting everything done at the last minute (For the record: I’m one of those procrastinating writers). In Math, which has always been my weakest subject since birth, I still don’t know logarithms, or what exponential value is, and I’ve failed practically all exams. I guess, I learn that not everything is easy and if I want to learn something I have to work at it. It’s taught me to not give up, and that it’s okay to make mistakes, but it’s better to fix them and try again.

                So, even though school was stressful the past couple months, it was worth it. I guess it’s because I’m taking something out of it. I’m becoming a newer, better version of me, which is something I’ve wanted for a very long time.

Confessions of a hopeless romantic

“Never expect, never assume, never ask, and never demand. Just let it be. Because if it’s meant to be, it will happen the way you want it to be.”
– Unknown

Love. It’s every little girl’s dream. We can thank the fairy tales and Disney for that. 

Almost all of us are scared to admit that we want to find love. We’re scared to admit that we want cheesy romances like, kisses in the rain, slow dances, carriage ride at night, kiss on the top of a Ferris wheel, slow dance in the rain, mistletoe kiss and yada yada yada. We think it’s lame and embarrassing that we all want that. When in reality, we all want it.

I’ve never been in love. It’s sad, I know. But, I’m hanging in there. I know some day love will find me and it’ll be an awesome story. Maybe not as awesome as pumpkin carriages, a ball, a glass shoe and happily ever after. But, eh, it’ll be my own love story.

It’s just that waiting a long time for something can get antsy and frustrating. There a few moments where I’m jealous of couples standing before me, or I scoff at any sight of pda. Don’t even get me started on Valentine’s Day. I may fake a smile or laugh but deep down the green-eyed monster is getting the best of me. At night, and sometimes during the day – pretty much all the time – I wonder why the love bug or cupid or fate hasn’t coupled me up yet. Is there something wrong with me? Am I not doing something right?

I feel hopeless sometimes. I just need a sign, like finding a penny on the ground, or a four leaf clover or a rainbow across the sky, anything, anything that will restore hope and keep me from giving up.

I know being with someone doesn’t define who I am or isn’t what life’s about. But, love is special, and meaningful. I want to know firsthand what love feels like. I want know how special it truly is.

My problem is that I’m always thinking about it. I keep building this picture in my head of how I’ll meet the love of my life or how my first kiss in the rain would go. I keep going over and over it, like a movie that hasn’t aired yet. My problem is that I want it real bad, so much more than anything. I should just be patient, and wait until it is time for cupid to shoot me with his little arrow. 

Am I waisting my twenties?

Meg Jay’s Ted Talk was sort of an ‘aha moment’, like a light-bulb just went on and revealed to me the future that I was blindly and inadvertently throwing away. It was like I was in a dark road and the sun came up and I realized … Holy Shit! I’m wasting my twenties!

I’m not even wasting it by going to clubs or working in some complacent-type job. No, I’m wasting it by doing NOTHING. I recently flunked out of school, and I’m currently not working. My best friend is the couch and my only lasting relationship is with the television. What are the steps I’m taking to achieve the future that I want? None.

I have dreams – some small and some big. But, they might not come true if I keep heading down this road. The process in fighting for a dream is like climbing a long spiral staircase. But, the problem is: I’m not even moving. I’m just standing there – not even halfway through – waiting for a sign and a sudden surge of motivation. I want to keep moving. I want to keep trying but I just can’t. All I end up doing is wasting time.

What’s the problem? The problem is that I’m lost and confused. It’s like I’m aimlessly walking through life without a sense of purpose. I don’t know what to do or what the next step is. A part of me just feels hopeless. This college situation I’m currently dealing with has me feeling morbid. The constant buzzing about my future and my education coming from my family is just adding on the morbidness. I’m worried about my education, my future and my hopes and dreams. I don’t know where to go from here?

I’m becoming the person I never wanted nor expected to be, and I don’t know how to stop it.