Never Have I Ever

I read this memoir called: Never Have I Ever by: Katie Heaney. The author hilariously describes her failed attempts at finding romance. It was a good read. I honestly felt like I was having a drink with Heaney and we were sharing our most embarrassing guy related moments. That’s how inviting and warm and funny her writing was.

What I loved most about the book, wasn’t the hilarity of her stories or how beautifully written the book was. It was how much I could relate to the author. I’m 21 years old, a couple weeks away from turning 22, and I’ve never had a boyfriend, a first kiss or a date. But, I’ll tell you what I have had. And that was a long list of crushes from guys in my class, guys I only met for one night, and guys I didn’t have a chance with. I’ve had my heart broken by crushes who told me they didn’t like me because I wasn’t pretty or I wasn’t their type, or my personal favorite: they didn’t want to ruin our “friendship.” And because of the plethora of rejection I faced, I wrote poems in my room about how badly my heart aches or how badly I wanted them.

But, no matter how many times I got rejected I never gave up hope that one day I’ll find someone who appreciates me for me. I just never thought I’d be 21 years old and still single.

You could just imagine what a relief it was to find Katie Heaney’s book. I remember I saw it on All Women Stalk, and when I read the title and what the book was about, I just had to read it. And I’m glad I did. Reading this book made me feel less weird about my nonexistent dating life. I always use to feel uncomfortable whenever someone asked me if I was dating anyone. And when I was a teenager, it felt somewhat okay to say “No, I’m not currently dating anyone.” But, now that I’m a young adult in her early twenties, it feels weird to say that. Like, I just entered some foreign country and broke a social unwritten rule and now everybody’s staring at me like I just ran over a dog.

But, I realize now that all that pressure and anxiety I felt to find a love interest was brought on by myself. ‘Cause I see other twenty-somethings engaging in PDA and I feel like the odd girl out because I have no one to cuddle up with or hold hands with. It’s like there’s some unwritten rule that you should be dating in your twenties, and I’m breaking it (but not on purpose, I promise).

Reading Never Have I Ever made feel okay about breaking that “rule”. Who says that at 21 you’re suppose to have someone or have had someone? Not to quote a cliche that everyone lonely girl is tired of hearing but…I guess…maybe it’s suppose to happen when it’s suppose to happen. It’s just that waiting is probably one of the worst and hardest things a person has to do. ‘Cause there’s this longing, this wanting for something to happen or arrive but society is kindly telling you that it’s not time yet. And you’re just wondering why? But, society isn’t telling you why…you have to figure out the why for yourself…sometimes.

Confessions of a hopeless romantic

“Never expect, never assume, never ask, and never demand. Just let it be. Because if it’s meant to be, it will happen the way you want it to be.”
– Unknown

Love. It’s every little girl’s dream. We can thank the fairy tales and Disney for that. 

Almost all of us are scared to admit that we want to find love. We’re scared to admit that we want cheesy romances like, kisses in the rain, slow dances, carriage ride at night, kiss on the top of a Ferris wheel, slow dance in the rain, mistletoe kiss and yada yada yada. We think it’s lame and embarrassing that we all want that. When in reality, we all want it.

I’ve never been in love. It’s sad, I know. But, I’m hanging in there. I know some day love will find me and it’ll be an awesome story. Maybe not as awesome as pumpkin carriages, a ball, a glass shoe and happily ever after. But, eh, it’ll be my own love story.

It’s just that waiting a long time for something can get antsy and frustrating. There a few moments where I’m jealous of couples standing before me, or I scoff at any sight of pda. Don’t even get me started on Valentine’s Day. I may fake a smile or laugh but deep down the green-eyed monster is getting the best of me. At night, and sometimes during the day – pretty much all the time – I wonder why the love bug or cupid or fate hasn’t coupled me up yet. Is there something wrong with me? Am I not doing something right?

I feel hopeless sometimes. I just need a sign, like finding a penny on the ground, or a four leaf clover or a rainbow across the sky, anything, anything that will restore hope and keep me from giving up.

I know being with someone doesn’t define who I am or isn’t what life’s about. But, love is special, and meaningful. I want to know firsthand what love feels like. I want know how special it truly is.

My problem is that I’m always thinking about it. I keep building this picture in my head of how I’ll meet the love of my life or how my first kiss in the rain would go. I keep going over and over it, like a movie that hasn’t aired yet. My problem is that I want it real bad, so much more than anything. I should just be patient, and wait until it is time for cupid to shoot me with his little arrow.