You have to be where you are to get where you need to go.
–Amy Poehler, Yes Please
I’m 22 years old, a few weeks away from turning 23, and I just feel like I’m wasting away my life. The past couple of years I have literally accomplished nothing. I went to school, so I guess that’s something. But, I didn’t graduate. And may not ever get to graduate (I’ll save that story for another blog post). I have applied and applied to jobs but just can’t seem to land one, which has lead me to seek income from self-employment. So, I work for myself. Isn’t that the dream? It isn’t.
My problem is that I don’t know what I want. Okay, I do. I’m just scared to go after it. Isn’t that a common reason for why most people don’t go after things. Because we’re scared to fail, scared of rejection, scared of change even if that change may lead to a better life.
I’m scared to pursue a life of writing and art because there’s a voice inside my head that likes to taunt me when I’m in the middle of creating. Amy Poehler in her book “Yes Please” called the voice the “demon voice.” Which is the perfect title for it, since its purpose is to cause your self-esteem harm. The voice often tells me how bad of a writer I am, or how childish my artwork looks, or how I’m a liar every time I call myself a writer or an artist. It tells me to not bother entering XYZ contest because I’ll never win. And because the voice is like a siren blasting through my eardrums I listen to it, and let into my soul, feeding it more and more insecurities. I know that I’m not the only one. I’m sure everyone has to deal with it throughout most of their lives. But, I want to know how to stand up to it. Because if I just let the voice continue to shatter my motivation to get better in life then I’m always going to remain in the same place, like I’m treading water in the middle of the sea. Not going forward or backwards just staying in the same place, trying to keep my head above water.
Most of my decisions have come from fear. I worried about rejection (because I’m so traumatized by it) that I just don’t try. Here I am at 23 years old having the same dreams I had 10 years ago when I was a freshman in Jr. High. In my wildest fantasy I am a published author of a bestselling young adult series, and it was picked up by a TV Network (CW or ABC) to become a tv series. I am the show runner and exec producer of the show. Now that I’m older the dream is a little more goal-like instead of fantasy-like. But, the point is that the dream is still alive in my heart today, and I want nothing more than for it to be my reality.
I’ve got a tons of manuscripts that are just sitting in my home wanting to be read by someone else’s eyes, but because I’m insecure about my writing I just keep it hidden. This is why I started this blog a few years ago. I just wanted to put myself out there for once without feeling the need to run away and then actually running away.
Even though I’ve posted sporadically in this blog for the past three years, I’m just glad that I didn’t delete my account like I have in the past.
I’m scared of publishing this post right now because of how vulnerable I’m being in it. But, I can’t let fear or the demon voice have its way with me.