Quotes from my Journal

Inspired by Thought Catalog, I decided to share a couple excerpts from my journals. Hope you enjoy the randomness of my scattered mind. These quotes are from my current journal. I’m too lazy to get my older ones. Later on, I’ll share quotes from my older journals. But, until then…enjoy!

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“I hate it when I’m hungry and my stomach does this, like, crescendo of growls.”

November 17, 2014 

“It was beautiful. The quietness and empitiness and solidarity gave (college name) an aesthetic I never noticed before.”

November 17, 2014

“Damn you wind! Damn you for blowing debris in my eye!”

November 19, 2014 

“And now that I feel this dream slipping away slowly…I just can’t let it go…even though life’s taking it away from me…”

November 25, 2014

“It was super cold today. But, I shouldn’t be surprised because it’s November. But, with this bipolar weather that’s been happening lately – I’m not really sure what’s what.”

November 26, 2014

“Right now, at this current point in my life, I don’t know what’s going to happen to me. My future is unclear, and it looks kind of dark.”

December 4, 2014

“This is my problem, when I act I don’t think about the future. How it’s going to effect it? I just do it – self destruct, as if everything will be the same when I build myself up again. But, when am I going to learn that that’s not how life works. Especially when you’re an adult. Actions have consequences.”

December 4, 2014

“I can’t wait for Wednesday! I’ll be free from this madness.”

December 9, 2014 

“I have crossed the finish line. It doesn’t matter if I came out first or last.

December 10, 2014

 

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Let’s Talk about Journaling

To me, reading through old letters and journals is like treasure hunting. Somewhere in those faded, handwritten lines there is a story that has been packed away in a dusty old box for years.

-Sara Sheridan

Journaling is a perfect way to express yourself; let go of negative and positive emotions; remember important details of your life that will be forgotten; to be more creative, and gain more perspective in life

For the past two years, I have been a hardcore journaler, I have completed about 9 journals so far, and am on my 10th one right now. I even created sub journals for different categories. I have a listography journal, which is journaling through list making; a gratitude journal, writing the things I’m grateful for everyday; a novel journal, writing about my progress in my novel; a tv show journal, writing about thoughts and opinions on tv shows; and an art and collage journal.

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Writers should have a journal because it allows them the opportunity to write everyday. It’s an effective way to eliminate procrastination from your writing life. And if you’re a writer you know that procrastination is a writer’s worse enemy. Journaling allows you the opportunity to write as freely and messily as you want, there are no grammar or punctuation rules. There aren’t deadlines you need to adhere to, there aren’t any word count goals or page count goals. There are NO rules! You can write one page on one day, and then two pages on another day, you can even write 13 pages the next day. You can write whatever you want, anytime you want.

Also, journaling allows you the opportunity to find yourself, contemplate your thoughts about the day, or a situation that puzzled you. And who knows maybe those thoughts can lead to future projects like a story, or a poem, or a book.

It can be like an inspirational playground with your material.

And that’s my stance on journaling for writers.

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Why I think you should have a journal?

Why not have a journal? It’s a place for you, and your thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories and yada. A journal is a place for you to explore who you are, what you think, what you feel, and what you have to say. It might be comforting to write a journal entry on a day where the sun just isn’t shining, or on a day where everything isn’t going your way. It is a better alternative to bottling things up, or letting it go through self destructive ways. When I’m having a bad day, I write it down in my journal – sometimes those pages go on for, like 13 or more pages because I’m writing it all down and just letting go. It helps clear my head, and helps me become more honest with myself and what it is I’m really feeling. And if someone pisses me off, I write it down in my journal, it helps calm the part of me that wants to lash out on the person.

Another reason why journaling important, is because of the big and little memories inside them. Don’t you love memories? I know I do. A photograph is great because you can visually see it, and it brings you back. But, haven’t you ever looked at a photograph and not remember when or where it was taken? Or why it was taken? Or what you were doing when it was taken? You have this nice beautiful photograph and you don’t have any memory of it. All you have is this picture to tell you it happened. What about the details? Aren’t details important?

But, journaling is a different story because you’re writing details down. Details that are descriptive and specific that can pain a picture of what it was you were really seeing. You write down what you saw, heard, touched, did and even felt.

It’s the perfect place to store your secrets, or innermost desires that you aren’t comfortable sharing with the world. Think of it as a safe haven for your private thoughts and feelings.

Just think about how nice it would feel to read your journals when you’re older. I was reading my older journals and I had a lot of laughs at how random my mind was, and how overly negative I was in school. Imagine what it would be like to read what past-you wrote 10 years ago. ‘Cause trust me, the way you think now will be different from the mindset you’ll have in the future.

And journaling helps you articulate what you feel and why you feel it. So, basically it be like a therapy session with you and your self. Doesn’t that sound…therapeutic?

 

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Here are the Reasons Why I Journal

  1. It clears my mind, especially during times when my head feels so cluttered and foggy.
  2. It’s freeing. I can write anytime I want, I can write about anything I want. And I can write as much as I write. There are no rules.
  3. I don’t have to self-disclose appropriately.
  4. I can be 100% honest with myself…and there’s one person in the world I need to be honest with, it’s myself.
  5. It’s the perfect place to store things I find interesting like magazine ads and cereal box cutouts or letters.
  6. Memories. I love going back and rereading my old thoughts.
  7. More affordable than a therapist.
  8. Those moments of self-discovery.
  9. Perfect way to alleviate stress, that doesn’t involve hurting myself or anyone else.
  10. Those moments when I’m bored and I doodle. Doodling is the best.
  11. It’s the best way to engage in intrapersonal communication. I can talk to myself without actually talking to myself.
  12. Those moments when my sense of humor shines.
  13. I never have writer’s block. Because all I’m doing is writing down what I feel.
  14. Speed writing. There are times when I finish two pages in less than 10 minutes.
  15. Venting for as much as I want without sounding obnoxious and obsessive.

 

What College has Taught Me

“It’s a long road but, it’s worth it.” – Unknown

             School is stressful. It’s really, really stressful. But, at the end of it all, the only thing that matters is what you learned from it. What you can take from the course, 1 or 5 years from now. College isn’t just about passing classes and getting a diploma; it’s a place to discover your passion. Once you discover it, you go out into the real world and you fight for it. In LaGuardia, there are a few classes that are teaching me things that are useful in my future. Those courses were challenging, but it made me stronger, better. I can honestly say I’ve learned the most from those classes.

            In Art, I’m not Picasso, but I’m getting better at it. My drawings are surreal, very abstract, but it’s nice and interesting. I never thought I could be able to draw 3 dimensional things, but now that I’ve done it, I know I can now. It feels good to know that. In English, that professor had me stressed out most of the semester. Handing out English assignments after English assignments, which is weird that I’m complaining because I love writing. But, I feel like she’s helped me find my voice, figure out my writing process. Before, I felt like I never had a voice, or at least a strong one. My writing process or plan of attack was getting everything done at the last minute (For the record: I’m one of those procrastinating writers). In Math, which has always been my weakest subject since birth, I still don’t know logarithms, or what exponential value is, and I’ve failed practically all exams. I guess, I learn that not everything is easy and if I want to learn something I have to work at it. It’s taught me to not give up, and that it’s okay to make mistakes, but it’s better to fix them and try again.

                So, even though school was stressful the past couple months, it was worth it. I guess it’s because I’m taking something out of it. I’m becoming a newer, better version of me, which is something I’ve wanted for a very long time.

Confessions of a hopeless romantic

“Never expect, never assume, never ask, and never demand. Just let it be. Because if it’s meant to be, it will happen the way you want it to be.”
– Unknown

Love. It’s every little girl’s dream. We can thank the fairy tales and Disney for that. 

Almost all of us are scared to admit that we want to find love. We’re scared to admit that we want cheesy romances like, kisses in the rain, slow dances, carriage ride at night, kiss on the top of a Ferris wheel, slow dance in the rain, mistletoe kiss and yada yada yada. We think it’s lame and embarrassing that we all want that. When in reality, we all want it.

I’ve never been in love. It’s sad, I know. But, I’m hanging in there. I know some day love will find me and it’ll be an awesome story. Maybe not as awesome as pumpkin carriages, a ball, a glass shoe and happily ever after. But, eh, it’ll be my own love story.

It’s just that waiting a long time for something can get antsy and frustrating. There a few moments where I’m jealous of couples standing before me, or I scoff at any sight of pda. Don’t even get me started on Valentine’s Day. I may fake a smile or laugh but deep down the green-eyed monster is getting the best of me. At night, and sometimes during the day – pretty much all the time – I wonder why the love bug or cupid or fate hasn’t coupled me up yet. Is there something wrong with me? Am I not doing something right?

I feel hopeless sometimes. I just need a sign, like finding a penny on the ground, or a four leaf clover or a rainbow across the sky, anything, anything that will restore hope and keep me from giving up.

I know being with someone doesn’t define who I am or isn’t what life’s about. But, love is special, and meaningful. I want to know firsthand what love feels like. I want know how special it truly is.

My problem is that I’m always thinking about it. I keep building this picture in my head of how I’ll meet the love of my life or how my first kiss in the rain would go. I keep going over and over it, like a movie that hasn’t aired yet. My problem is that I want it real bad, so much more than anything. I should just be patient, and wait until it is time for cupid to shoot me with his little arrow. 

Am I waisting my twenties?

Meg Jay’s Ted Talk was sort of an ‘aha moment’, like a light-bulb just went on and revealed to me the future that I was blindly and inadvertently throwing away. It was like I was in a dark road and the sun came up and I realized … Holy Shit! I’m wasting my twenties!

I’m not even wasting it by going to clubs or working in some complacent-type job. No, I’m wasting it by doing NOTHING. I recently flunked out of school, and I’m currently not working. My best friend is the couch and my only lasting relationship is with the television. What are the steps I’m taking to achieve the future that I want? None.

I have dreams – some small and some big. But, they might not come true if I keep heading down this road. The process in fighting for a dream is like climbing a long spiral staircase. But, the problem is: I’m not even moving. I’m just standing there – not even halfway through – waiting for a sign and a sudden surge of motivation. I want to keep moving. I want to keep trying but I just can’t. All I end up doing is wasting time.

What’s the problem? The problem is that I’m lost and confused. It’s like I’m aimlessly walking through life without a sense of purpose. I don’t know what to do or what the next step is. A part of me just feels hopeless. This college situation I’m currently dealing with has me feeling morbid. The constant buzzing about my future and my education coming from my family is just adding on the morbidness. I’m worried about my education, my future and my hopes and dreams. I don’t know where to go from here?

I’m becoming the person I never wanted nor expected to be, and I don’t know how to stop it.

Things I’m Scared to Tell You

I read this post by Jess Constable and it touched me. It pushed me to write my own list. I was in awe by her candor and braveness to write such a post – she basically unmasked herself and opened up about the “non-perfect” parts of her life. As a person (and a writer) I want to be able to step out of this perfect façade and be completely real. I’m tired of feeling ashamed of my insecurities and vulnerabilities, and I’m tired of hiding them because I’m scared of rejection.

Blogging should be a place where I can be myself and not be ashamed of what I share. Last year, if I had stumbled across this post I would’ve been too chicken to do my own. But, I made a promise to myself that I was going to look fear in the eye (every now and then) and challenge it. So, here it goes.

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 I, like Jess, have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I was 16 years old when my doctor told me about it. At first, the news scared me into getting fit and changing my dietary habits. The doctor had prescribed Metformin and it helped control the food urges and the sugar levels in my body. But, then I lost focus and stopped working out, taking my medication, and just completely gave in to the food cravings. At that time I didn’t know how serious PCOS was, but now I do. But, the problem is I feel unmotivated to do anything – not work out or try a new diet or even take the Metformin again. I just wish I did because things can get worse if I don’t.

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 I flunked out of college this fall with a 0.0 gpa. Anything’s better than a 0, right? A zero means you didn’t try hard enough or at all – and I didn’t try at all. I just checked out – unofficially withdrew, and college was the last place I wanted to be in at the moment. Now, when I want another chance to prove to myself that I can do it, no one’s willing to give me the opportunity to (and I honestly don’t blame them). No school wants a transfer student with an average below 2.0. So, at the moment I’m a layabout who surfs the web from time to time applying to jobs. But, that doesn’t mean I gave up on school, I just need to temporarily do something until I figure this debacle out. I need to go school, and someone’s bound to take me, right?

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I want to find love, and oh I’m sure everyone wants to, too (but, some wouldn’t admit it). I want to hold hands, go on romantic outdoor dates with lots of twinkly lights, kiss and slow dance in the rain, and the play fights. I even want the couple fights and the makeup kisses. I want it all. But I’m scared I’ll never find it; that I may indeed grow old and die alone. I know, I know the cliche: Good things come to those who wait. But, how much longer can I wait?

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I’ve completely abandoned facebook because of the resulted jealousy that came with it. I’m a college flunk with pretty much no life and I’m seeing fellow classmates with their statuses about school and their boyfriends. Who wouldn’t be jealous? I feel like the black sheep in the Class of 2012 family. All my old friends are where they need to be to figure their lives out. But, I’m in a lonely dark road not sure where to turn or go from here. Facebook is basically a constant reminder that I’m a failure.

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 My dream is and will always be to become an actress, ever since I was 9 years old. I’ve never admitted that to anyone because of the reaction that comes with the news, so I kept it to myself. I know I should let it go but I can’t. It’s like I’m playing tug o’ war or a wrestling game and I’m sinking my claws on them. I want it too much, but I’m scared that this dream may be holding me back.

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People (mostly my family) don’t understand that socializing isn’t easy for me. I feel awkward and I make eye contact with the ground mostly. I have no clue what to say sometimes, and there’s so many awkward silences and pauses. Sometimes I don’t know how to keep the conversation flow moving. There are these few moments when I’m incessantly talking about a topic. I can’t go to social gatherings by myself because meeting new people scares me, and then I’m going to be one of those loner girls who has her head buried in a book. I probably have these weird mannerisms. I laugh when I’m nervous or uncomfortable, just imagine what that looks like.

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 My fear of rejection stops me from even trying.

Here it is. I’m not sure what this post will do for me, but hopefully for you it’s inspiring.

A Little Voice in my Head Whispers: It’s Time to get your Blog On

I’m having a serious case of writer’s block as I’m crafting this post. I’m not sure how to start or what to say (I don’t even know what the main focus of this blog is yet), but I’m going to try to get through this as painlessly as possible. There is no conceivable reason that explains why I’m so nervous right now. Probably because I’m going in here blind and I’m not sure what it is I’m doing, exactly.

Writing this post is more than difficult than I anticipated. This is the first post-the first step I’m taking to embark on this new blogging journey. I want it to be a good step. I want this post to be worth reading. Not the kind of post where you read for three seconds and close because you’ve lost interest. I want you to be interested throughout the whole enchilada.

For about 2 to 3 months I’ve been tempted to create another blog, but I’ve been fighting it; but, there was this relentless voice in my head that kept bugging me to give it another try. Honestly, I didn’t want to return to blogging. I guess I believed it wasn’t for me. But that persistent little voice appeared at all times; my sleep; the shower; during all my leisure hours. It was in my head all the time. It was so headstrong that I couldn’t fight it anymore. I finally surrendered and waved the white flag as I registered for a wordpress account

But, then a sort of nostalgic thought popped into my head: remember the old and deleted account you once had and why you deleted it in the first place?

I do. And the reason was…

The site wasn’t getting an iota amount of attention that I truly wanted and maybe even desired. It may seem kind of trivial and juvenile, but there petty things like the comments and the likes and the followers mattered even if it shouldn’t have. Hitting published on a post and seeing no likes or no comments on it translated to ‘you suck,’ ‘you’re boring,’ or ‘you’re a terrible writer.’ Even though it’s a not a legitimate translation it ate away every bit of confidence I ever had and that was enough to push me back into that shell I always hid in to protect me from the world.

I don’t want to go through that again, the plethora of inanities and insecurities and the fallacious translations – I also don’t want to hide anymore. I’m tired of this shell, it has basically built from my and self-doubts, and all its done was keep from the world. It has scared me into giving up on my dreams because it has inundated my mind with thoughts like ‘I’m not good enough or smart enough.’

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Blogging isn’t about the spectacle of comments, or the massive number of likes a post is lucky to have nor is it about the millions of followers. Those are just bonuses. It’s about getting yourself out there – for some people it’s the first step. It’s also about networking and being socially interactive with people who have common interest as you. It may seem minuscule but it’s worth a try – you may find out more about yourself and the world in doing so.

For me, I just want to get writing, it has always been my first love and I want it to also be my second to last (I’m saving the last spot for my future husband). For a while I sort of fell out of love with it, I giving it the attention it needed. I was too busy with school and trying to figure out what the next step was, and writing was no longer the top of my ‘To-Do List.’ Even though it’s unorthodox and frowned upon, blogging might help me find the passion writing and I use to have. Blogging might even build me some tough caliber of skin.

I don’t know who’ll be reading this or if anybody will even read this. But, despite those odds I’ll be sure to keep writing just the same as a fish who keeps swimming.