Quotes from my Journal: Part 2

In my last post were quotes from my current journal. This post is from my first journal.

MyCollage_0

my first journal

 

It was a cute pink, mickey mouse journal that my sister bought me in Disney World. With this journal, I actually started it in the summer of 2008, but stopped somewhere around February 2009. I didn’t start writing in it until after I graduated high school in 2012. 

It’ll be interesting to read some of the thoughts I had back then.

 

♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣

“I just want to stop being lazy. Ha! I’m saying that like it’s some easy kind of thing. I need to take steps, small steps, but I don’t know what steps to take first. Ugh.”

“Sometimes I wish that life had a manual that made getting through it much easier.”

“Sometimes I feel like life is like this algebraic equation and I don’t know how to solve it. Maybe I’m not suppose to solve it. Maybe the equation is meant to be undefined.”

June 10, 2012

“It’s so much easier to close my eyes and envision the life I always wanted, than have my eyes [wide] open and see my life not getting any better.”

“Why is it so hard to be happy but so easy to be sad?”

“I’m so tired of this pity sign I’m holding. I just want to accept my life and maybe then big changes will happen.”

June 11, 2012

 “I feel like my life is over, but I’m only 19 years old. If anything my life is ready to take flight. These are the years where I can figure [out] who I am.”

“I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired…ugh, I’m just tired.”

September 27, 2012

“But, I should get over it because it’s another pattern. I like a guy, we become friends, I like him even more, but he just likes me as a friend. I get a little heart broken…”

September 28, 2012

 

To be continued…

Advertisements

What College has Taught Me

“It’s a long road but, it’s worth it.” – Unknown

             School is stressful. It’s really, really stressful. But, at the end of it all, the only thing that matters is what you learned from it. What you can take from the course, 1 or 5 years from now. College isn’t just about passing classes and getting a diploma; it’s a place to discover your passion. Once you discover it, you go out into the real world and you fight for it. In LaGuardia, there are a few classes that are teaching me things that are useful in my future. Those courses were challenging, but it made me stronger, better. I can honestly say I’ve learned the most from those classes.

            In Art, I’m not Picasso, but I’m getting better at it. My drawings are surreal, very abstract, but it’s nice and interesting. I never thought I could be able to draw 3 dimensional things, but now that I’ve done it, I know I can now. It feels good to know that. In English, that professor had me stressed out most of the semester. Handing out English assignments after English assignments, which is weird that I’m complaining because I love writing. But, I feel like she’s helped me find my voice, figure out my writing process. Before, I felt like I never had a voice, or at least a strong one. My writing process or plan of attack was getting everything done at the last minute (For the record: I’m one of those procrastinating writers). In Math, which has always been my weakest subject since birth, I still don’t know logarithms, or what exponential value is, and I’ve failed practically all exams. I guess, I learn that not everything is easy and if I want to learn something I have to work at it. It’s taught me to not give up, and that it’s okay to make mistakes, but it’s better to fix them and try again.

                So, even though school was stressful the past couple months, it was worth it. I guess it’s because I’m taking something out of it. I’m becoming a newer, better version of me, which is something I’ve wanted for a very long time.

A Little Voice in my Head Whispers: It’s Time to get your Blog On

I’m having a serious case of writer’s block as I’m crafting this post. I’m not sure how to start or what to say (I don’t even know what the main focus of this blog is yet), but I’m going to try to get through this as painlessly as possible. There is no conceivable reason that explains why I’m so nervous right now. Probably because I’m going in here blind and I’m not sure what it is I’m doing, exactly.

Writing this post is more than difficult than I anticipated. This is the first post-the first step I’m taking to embark on this new blogging journey. I want it to be a good step. I want this post to be worth reading. Not the kind of post where you read for three seconds and close because you’ve lost interest. I want you to be interested throughout the whole enchilada.

For about 2 to 3 months I’ve been tempted to create another blog, but I’ve been fighting it; but, there was this relentless voice in my head that kept bugging me to give it another try. Honestly, I didn’t want to return to blogging. I guess I believed it wasn’t for me. But that persistent little voice appeared at all times; my sleep; the shower; during all my leisure hours. It was in my head all the time. It was so headstrong that I couldn’t fight it anymore. I finally surrendered and waved the white flag as I registered for a wordpress account

But, then a sort of nostalgic thought popped into my head: remember the old and deleted account you once had and why you deleted it in the first place?

I do. And the reason was…

The site wasn’t getting an iota amount of attention that I truly wanted and maybe even desired. It may seem kind of trivial and juvenile, but there petty things like the comments and the likes and the followers mattered even if it shouldn’t have. Hitting published on a post and seeing no likes or no comments on it translated to ‘you suck,’ ‘you’re boring,’ or ‘you’re a terrible writer.’ Even though it’s a not a legitimate translation it ate away every bit of confidence I ever had and that was enough to push me back into that shell I always hid in to protect me from the world.

I don’t want to go through that again, the plethora of inanities and insecurities and the fallacious translations – I also don’t want to hide anymore. I’m tired of this shell, it has basically built from my and self-doubts, and all its done was keep from the world. It has scared me into giving up on my dreams because it has inundated my mind with thoughts like ‘I’m not good enough or smart enough.’

2

Blogging isn’t about the spectacle of comments, or the massive number of likes a post is lucky to have nor is it about the millions of followers. Those are just bonuses. It’s about getting yourself out there – for some people it’s the first step. It’s also about networking and being socially interactive with people who have common interest as you. It may seem minuscule but it’s worth a try – you may find out more about yourself and the world in doing so.

For me, I just want to get writing, it has always been my first love and I want it to also be my second to last (I’m saving the last spot for my future husband). For a while I sort of fell out of love with it, I giving it the attention it needed. I was too busy with school and trying to figure out what the next step was, and writing was no longer the top of my ‘To-Do List.’ Even though it’s unorthodox and frowned upon, blogging might help me find the passion writing and I use to have. Blogging might even build me some tough caliber of skin.

I don’t know who’ll be reading this or if anybody will even read this. But, despite those odds I’ll be sure to keep writing just the same as a fish who keeps swimming.