Am I waisting my twenties?

Meg Jay’s Ted Talk was sort of an ‘aha moment’, like a light-bulb just went on and revealed to me the future that I was blindly and inadvertently throwing away. It was like I was in a dark road and the sun came up and I realized … Holy Shit! I’m wasting my twenties!

I’m not even wasting it by going to clubs or working in some complacent-type job. No, I’m wasting it by doing NOTHING. I recently flunked out of school, and I’m currently not working. My best friend is the couch and my only lasting relationship is with the television. What are the steps I’m taking to achieve the future that I want? None.

I have dreams – some small and some big. But, they might not come true if I keep heading down this road. The process in fighting for a dream is like climbing a long spiral staircase. But, the problem is: I’m not even moving. I’m just standing there – not even halfway through – waiting for a sign and a sudden surge of motivation. I want to keep moving. I want to keep trying but I just can’t. All I end up doing is wasting time.

What’s the problem? The problem is that I’m lost and confused. It’s like I’m aimlessly walking through life without a sense of purpose. I don’t know what to do or what the next step is. A part of me just feels hopeless. This college situation I’m currently dealing with has me feeling morbid. The constant buzzing about my future and my education coming from my family is just adding on the morbidness. I’m worried about my education, my future and my hopes and dreams. I don’t know where to go from here?

I’m becoming the person I never wanted nor expected to be, and I don’t know how to stop it.

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A Little Voice in my Head Whispers: It’s Time to get your Blog On

I’m having a serious case of writer’s block as I’m crafting this post. I’m not sure how to start or what to say (I don’t even know what the main focus of this blog is yet), but I’m going to try to get through this as painlessly as possible. There is no conceivable reason that explains why I’m so nervous right now. Probably because I’m going in here blind and I’m not sure what it is I’m doing, exactly.

Writing this post is more than difficult than I anticipated. This is the first post-the first step I’m taking to embark on this new blogging journey. I want it to be a good step. I want this post to be worth reading. Not the kind of post where you read for three seconds and close because you’ve lost interest. I want you to be interested throughout the whole enchilada.

For about 2 to 3 months I’ve been tempted to create another blog, but I’ve been fighting it; but, there was this relentless voice in my head that kept bugging me to give it another try. Honestly, I didn’t want to return to blogging. I guess I believed it wasn’t for me. But that persistent little voice appeared at all times; my sleep; the shower; during all my leisure hours. It was in my head all the time. It was so headstrong that I couldn’t fight it anymore. I finally surrendered and waved the white flag as I registered for a wordpress account

But, then a sort of nostalgic thought popped into my head: remember the old and deleted account you once had and why you deleted it in the first place?

I do. And the reason was…

The site wasn’t getting an iota amount of attention that I truly wanted and maybe even desired. It may seem kind of trivial and juvenile, but there petty things like the comments and the likes and the followers mattered even if it shouldn’t have. Hitting published on a post and seeing no likes or no comments on it translated to ‘you suck,’ ‘you’re boring,’ or ‘you’re a terrible writer.’ Even though it’s a not a legitimate translation it ate away every bit of confidence I ever had and that was enough to push me back into that shell I always hid in to protect me from the world.

I don’t want to go through that again, the plethora of inanities and insecurities and the fallacious translations – I also don’t want to hide anymore. I’m tired of this shell, it has basically built from my and self-doubts, and all its done was keep from the world. It has scared me into giving up on my dreams because it has inundated my mind with thoughts like ‘I’m not good enough or smart enough.’

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Blogging isn’t about the spectacle of comments, or the massive number of likes a post is lucky to have nor is it about the millions of followers. Those are just bonuses. It’s about getting yourself out there – for some people it’s the first step. It’s also about networking and being socially interactive with people who have common interest as you. It may seem minuscule but it’s worth a try – you may find out more about yourself and the world in doing so.

For me, I just want to get writing, it has always been my first love and I want it to also be my second to last (I’m saving the last spot for my future husband). For a while I sort of fell out of love with it, I giving it the attention it needed. I was too busy with school and trying to figure out what the next step was, and writing was no longer the top of my ‘To-Do List.’ Even though it’s unorthodox and frowned upon, blogging might help me find the passion writing and I use to have. Blogging might even build me some tough caliber of skin.

I don’t know who’ll be reading this or if anybody will even read this. But, despite those odds I’ll be sure to keep writing just the same as a fish who keeps swimming.