Here’s to Vulnerability…

You have to be where you are to get where you need to go.

Amy Poehler, Yes Please

I’m 22 years old, a few weeks away from turning 23, and I just feel like I’m wasting away my life. The past couple of years I have literally accomplished nothing. I went to school, so I guess that’s something. But, I didn’t graduate. And may not ever get to graduate (I’ll save that story for another blog post). I have applied and applied to jobs but just can’t seem to land one, which has lead me to seek income from self-employment. So, I work for myself. Isn’t that the dream? It isn’t.

My problem is that I don’t know what I want. Okay, I do. I’m just scared to go after it. Isn’t that a common reason for why most people don’t go after things. Because we’re scared to fail, scared of rejection, scared of change even if that change may lead to a better life.

I’m scared to pursue a life of writing and art because there’s a voice inside my head that likes to taunt me when I’m in the middle of creating. Amy Poehler in her book “Yes Please” called the voice the “demon voice.” Which is the perfect title for it, since its purpose is to cause your self-esteem harm. The voice often tells me how bad of a writer I am, or how childish my artwork looks, or how I’m a liar every time I call myself a writer or an artist. It tells me to not bother entering XYZ contest because I’ll never win. And because the voice is like a siren blasting through my eardrums I listen to it, and let into my soul, feeding it more and more insecurities. I know that I’m not the only one. I’m sure everyone has to deal with it throughout most of their lives. But, I want to know how to stand up to it. Because if I just let the voice continue to shatter my motivation to get better in life then I’m always going to remain in the same place, like I’m treading water in the middle of the sea. Not going forward or backwards just staying in the same place, trying to keep my head above water.

Most of my decisions have come from fear. I worried about rejection (because I’m so traumatized by it) that I just don’t try. Here I am at 23 years old having the same dreams I had 10 years ago when I was a freshman in Jr. High. In my wildest fantasy I am a published author of a bestselling young adult series, and it was picked up by a TV Network (CW or ABC) to become a tv series. I am the show runner and exec producer of the show. Now that I’m older the dream is a little more goal-like instead of fantasy-like. But, the point is that the dream is still alive in my heart today, and I want nothing more than for it to be my reality.

I’ve got a tons of manuscripts that are just sitting in my home wanting to be read by someone else’s eyes, but because I’m insecure about my writing I just keep it hidden. This is why I started this blog a few years ago. I just wanted to put myself out there for once without feeling the need to run away and then actually running away.

Even though I’ve posted sporadically in this blog for the past three years, I’m just glad that I didn’t delete my account like I have in the past.

I’m scared of publishing this post right now because of how vulnerable I’m being in it. But, I can’t let fear or the demon voice have its way with me.

What College has Taught Me

“It’s a long road but, it’s worth it.” – Unknown

             School is stressful. It’s really, really stressful. But, at the end of it all, the only thing that matters is what you learned from it. What you can take from the course, 1 or 5 years from now. College isn’t just about passing classes and getting a diploma; it’s a place to discover your passion. Once you discover it, you go out into the real world and you fight for it. In LaGuardia, there are a few classes that are teaching me things that are useful in my future. Those courses were challenging, but it made me stronger, better. I can honestly say I’ve learned the most from those classes.

            In Art, I’m not Picasso, but I’m getting better at it. My drawings are surreal, very abstract, but it’s nice and interesting. I never thought I could be able to draw 3 dimensional things, but now that I’ve done it, I know I can now. It feels good to know that. In English, that professor had me stressed out most of the semester. Handing out English assignments after English assignments, which is weird that I’m complaining because I love writing. But, I feel like she’s helped me find my voice, figure out my writing process. Before, I felt like I never had a voice, or at least a strong one. My writing process or plan of attack was getting everything done at the last minute (For the record: I’m one of those procrastinating writers). In Math, which has always been my weakest subject since birth, I still don’t know logarithms, or what exponential value is, and I’ve failed practically all exams. I guess, I learn that not everything is easy and if I want to learn something I have to work at it. It’s taught me to not give up, and that it’s okay to make mistakes, but it’s better to fix them and try again.

                So, even though school was stressful the past couple months, it was worth it. I guess it’s because I’m taking something out of it. I’m becoming a newer, better version of me, which is something I’ve wanted for a very long time.

Confessions of a hopeless romantic

“Never expect, never assume, never ask, and never demand. Just let it be. Because if it’s meant to be, it will happen the way you want it to be.”
– Unknown

Love. It’s every little girl’s dream. We can thank the fairy tales and Disney for that. 

Almost all of us are scared to admit that we want to find love. We’re scared to admit that we want cheesy romances like, kisses in the rain, slow dances, carriage ride at night, kiss on the top of a Ferris wheel, slow dance in the rain, mistletoe kiss and yada yada yada. We think it’s lame and embarrassing that we all want that. When in reality, we all want it.

I’ve never been in love. It’s sad, I know. But, I’m hanging in there. I know some day love will find me and it’ll be an awesome story. Maybe not as awesome as pumpkin carriages, a ball, a glass shoe and happily ever after. But, eh, it’ll be my own love story.

It’s just that waiting a long time for something can get antsy and frustrating. There a few moments where I’m jealous of couples standing before me, or I scoff at any sight of pda. Don’t even get me started on Valentine’s Day. I may fake a smile or laugh but deep down the green-eyed monster is getting the best of me. At night, and sometimes during the day – pretty much all the time – I wonder why the love bug or cupid or fate hasn’t coupled me up yet. Is there something wrong with me? Am I not doing something right?

I feel hopeless sometimes. I just need a sign, like finding a penny on the ground, or a four leaf clover or a rainbow across the sky, anything, anything that will restore hope and keep me from giving up.

I know being with someone doesn’t define who I am or isn’t what life’s about. But, love is special, and meaningful. I want to know firsthand what love feels like. I want know how special it truly is.

My problem is that I’m always thinking about it. I keep building this picture in my head of how I’ll meet the love of my life or how my first kiss in the rain would go. I keep going over and over it, like a movie that hasn’t aired yet. My problem is that I want it real bad, so much more than anything. I should just be patient, and wait until it is time for cupid to shoot me with his little arrow. 

Am I waisting my twenties?

Meg Jay’s Ted Talk was sort of an ‘aha moment’, like a light-bulb just went on and revealed to me the future that I was blindly and inadvertently throwing away. It was like I was in a dark road and the sun came up and I realized … Holy Shit! I’m wasting my twenties!

I’m not even wasting it by going to clubs or working in some complacent-type job. No, I’m wasting it by doing NOTHING. I recently flunked out of school, and I’m currently not working. My best friend is the couch and my only lasting relationship is with the television. What are the steps I’m taking to achieve the future that I want? None.

I have dreams – some small and some big. But, they might not come true if I keep heading down this road. The process in fighting for a dream is like climbing a long spiral staircase. But, the problem is: I’m not even moving. I’m just standing there – not even halfway through – waiting for a sign and a sudden surge of motivation. I want to keep moving. I want to keep trying but I just can’t. All I end up doing is wasting time.

What’s the problem? The problem is that I’m lost and confused. It’s like I’m aimlessly walking through life without a sense of purpose. I don’t know what to do or what the next step is. A part of me just feels hopeless. This college situation I’m currently dealing with has me feeling morbid. The constant buzzing about my future and my education coming from my family is just adding on the morbidness. I’m worried about my education, my future and my hopes and dreams. I don’t know where to go from here?

I’m becoming the person I never wanted nor expected to be, and I don’t know how to stop it.

Things I’m Scared to Tell You

I read this post by Jess Constable and it touched me. It pushed me to write my own list. I was in awe by her candor and braveness to write such a post – she basically unmasked herself and opened up about the “non-perfect” parts of her life. As a person (and a writer) I want to be able to step out of this perfect façade and be completely real. I’m tired of feeling ashamed of my insecurities and vulnerabilities, and I’m tired of hiding them because I’m scared of rejection.

Blogging should be a place where I can be myself and not be ashamed of what I share. Last year, if I had stumbled across this post I would’ve been too chicken to do my own. But, I made a promise to myself that I was going to look fear in the eye (every now and then) and challenge it. So, here it goes.

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 I, like Jess, have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I was 16 years old when my doctor told me about it. At first, the news scared me into getting fit and changing my dietary habits. The doctor had prescribed Metformin and it helped control the food urges and the sugar levels in my body. But, then I lost focus and stopped working out, taking my medication, and just completely gave in to the food cravings. At that time I didn’t know how serious PCOS was, but now I do. But, the problem is I feel unmotivated to do anything – not work out or try a new diet or even take the Metformin again. I just wish I did because things can get worse if I don’t.

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 I flunked out of college this fall with a 0.0 gpa. Anything’s better than a 0, right? A zero means you didn’t try hard enough or at all – and I didn’t try at all. I just checked out – unofficially withdrew, and college was the last place I wanted to be in at the moment. Now, when I want another chance to prove to myself that I can do it, no one’s willing to give me the opportunity to (and I honestly don’t blame them). No school wants a transfer student with an average below 2.0. So, at the moment I’m a layabout who surfs the web from time to time applying to jobs. But, that doesn’t mean I gave up on school, I just need to temporarily do something until I figure this debacle out. I need to go school, and someone’s bound to take me, right?

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I want to find love, and oh I’m sure everyone wants to, too (but, some wouldn’t admit it). I want to hold hands, go on romantic outdoor dates with lots of twinkly lights, kiss and slow dance in the rain, and the play fights. I even want the couple fights and the makeup kisses. I want it all. But I’m scared I’ll never find it; that I may indeed grow old and die alone. I know, I know the cliche: Good things come to those who wait. But, how much longer can I wait?

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I’ve completely abandoned facebook because of the resulted jealousy that came with it. I’m a college flunk with pretty much no life and I’m seeing fellow classmates with their statuses about school and their boyfriends. Who wouldn’t be jealous? I feel like the black sheep in the Class of 2012 family. All my old friends are where they need to be to figure their lives out. But, I’m in a lonely dark road not sure where to turn or go from here. Facebook is basically a constant reminder that I’m a failure.

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 My dream is and will always be to become an actress, ever since I was 9 years old. I’ve never admitted that to anyone because of the reaction that comes with the news, so I kept it to myself. I know I should let it go but I can’t. It’s like I’m playing tug o’ war or a wrestling game and I’m sinking my claws on them. I want it too much, but I’m scared that this dream may be holding me back.

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People (mostly my family) don’t understand that socializing isn’t easy for me. I feel awkward and I make eye contact with the ground mostly. I have no clue what to say sometimes, and there’s so many awkward silences and pauses. Sometimes I don’t know how to keep the conversation flow moving. There are these few moments when I’m incessantly talking about a topic. I can’t go to social gatherings by myself because meeting new people scares me, and then I’m going to be one of those loner girls who has her head buried in a book. I probably have these weird mannerisms. I laugh when I’m nervous or uncomfortable, just imagine what that looks like.

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 My fear of rejection stops me from even trying.

Here it is. I’m not sure what this post will do for me, but hopefully for you it’s inspiring.