Confessions of a hopeless romantic

“Never expect, never assume, never ask, and never demand. Just let it be. Because if it’s meant to be, it will happen the way you want it to be.”
– Unknown

Love. It’s every little girl’s dream. We can thank the fairy tales and Disney for that. 

Almost all of us are scared to admit that we want to find love. We’re scared to admit that we want cheesy romances like, kisses in the rain, slow dances, carriage ride at night, kiss on the top of a Ferris wheel, slow dance in the rain, mistletoe kiss and yada yada yada. We think it’s lame and embarrassing that we all want that. When in reality, we all want it.

I’ve never been in love. It’s sad, I know. But, I’m hanging in there. I know some day love will find me and it’ll be an awesome story. Maybe not as awesome as pumpkin carriages, a ball, a glass shoe and happily ever after. But, eh, it’ll be my own love story.

It’s just that waiting a long time for something can get antsy and frustrating. There a few moments where I’m jealous of couples standing before me, or I scoff at any sight of pda. Don’t even get me started on Valentine’s Day. I may fake a smile or laugh but deep down the green-eyed monster is getting the best of me. At night, and sometimes during the day – pretty much all the time – I wonder why the love bug or cupid or fate hasn’t coupled me up yet. Is there something wrong with me? Am I not doing something right?

I feel hopeless sometimes. I just need a sign, like finding a penny on the ground, or a four leaf clover or a rainbow across the sky, anything, anything that will restore hope and keep me from giving up.

I know being with someone doesn’t define who I am or isn’t what life’s about. But, love is special, and meaningful. I want to know firsthand what love feels like. I want know how special it truly is.

My problem is that I’m always thinking about it. I keep building this picture in my head of how I’ll meet the love of my life or how my first kiss in the rain would go. I keep going over and over it, like a movie that hasn’t aired yet. My problem is that I want it real bad, so much more than anything. I should just be patient, and wait until it is time for cupid to shoot me with his little arrow. 

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Am I waisting my twenties?

Meg Jay’s Ted Talk was sort of an ‘aha moment’, like a light-bulb just went on and revealed to me the future that I was blindly and inadvertently throwing away. It was like I was in a dark road and the sun came up and I realized … Holy Shit! I’m wasting my twenties!

I’m not even wasting it by going to clubs or working in some complacent-type job. No, I’m wasting it by doing NOTHING. I recently flunked out of school, and I’m currently not working. My best friend is the couch and my only lasting relationship is with the television. What are the steps I’m taking to achieve the future that I want? None.

I have dreams – some small and some big. But, they might not come true if I keep heading down this road. The process in fighting for a dream is like climbing a long spiral staircase. But, the problem is: I’m not even moving. I’m just standing there – not even halfway through – waiting for a sign and a sudden surge of motivation. I want to keep moving. I want to keep trying but I just can’t. All I end up doing is wasting time.

What’s the problem? The problem is that I’m lost and confused. It’s like I’m aimlessly walking through life without a sense of purpose. I don’t know what to do or what the next step is. A part of me just feels hopeless. This college situation I’m currently dealing with has me feeling morbid. The constant buzzing about my future and my education coming from my family is just adding on the morbidness. I’m worried about my education, my future and my hopes and dreams. I don’t know where to go from here?

I’m becoming the person I never wanted nor expected to be, and I don’t know how to stop it.